Dying For Oscar
This year’s awards season vexed Barbie fans. The Academy forgot Greta and Margot in addition to consecutive losses. It was not that great of a movie, anyway, so get over it.
Do you have any idea how much Robbie made as a producer on the most commercially successful movie of 2023? All of those product endorsements and collaborations from Zara to Monopoly to your mom. Robbie does not seem worried about retirement savings.
But, that is not what breathes new life into the masses.
One “it” factor about the Academy Awards outlives all the glitz and glamour. One question remains long after awards season is over- when the debates stop about who wore what and who should’ve won that. It is not the designer clothes. Not the flawless makeup. Certainly not the gossip girl Gomez-Swift whispers.
No, the real question is:
When are these people going to die?
There is a science to the Oscars and lifespan. Turns out, it is not an honor just to be nominated. Winners make it out alive. The rest are merely commoners.
THE $CIENCE
A study found that thespians who won at least one Oscar outlived losers*. The golden statue signified ultimate success, improving health, finances and lifestyle. Researchers deduced a positive correlation between success and behavior. Exercise, nutrition and rest were significant in attaining longevity.
Paltrow thanked Harvey Weinstein when she won her first and only Oscar.
The reverse is likely important for making it to the winners circle. Personal traits, economic background and contentment were limitations of the study. Two-time Oscar winner Bette Davis smoked, drank, got cancer and outlived one-time winner Joan Crawford. Crawford reportedly drank heavily and was deeply unsatisfied with life. She also had far from a privileged and wealthy upbringing like Davis.
Changes in medical care and lifestyle in the nearly 70-year timeframe for the study were also not examined. Meditation and yoga regarded as norms today are in contrast to regular smoking and drinking of yesteryear. Other health choices are also on the rise. Ozempic, anyone?
Table 1: Lists of thespians for the 95th and 36th Academy Awards in 2023 and 1962, respectively. Joanne Woodward is included for added comparison. *Indicates winner for that year. (AKJAM Publishing)
Losers die at the same age as people never nominated. Almost like it never really happened. This is not a case of decades of survival over losers. The difference is less than 4 years. The controls were well-connected thespians who were never nominated. Like normal people, the most common method of death for Oscar winners was malignancy or heart disease.
Last year, the golden statue went to the eldest in the Actor and Actress categories. After 33 years of performing, Brendan Fraser won for The Whale over Austin Butler and Colin Farrell. It was first nominations for all three (Table 1). Michelle Yeoh also won her first nomination for Everything Everywhere All at Once. At 61-going-on-31 and 40 years acting, she was the oldest and longest experienced in the category. Yeoh was up against two-time winner Cate Blanchett and five-time loser Michelle Williams. According to the research, Williams’ unfavorable ratio might be causing her to eat junk food, live a sedentary lifestyle and have high debt.
Brendan Fraser finally won Hollywood’s top honor, which may be his last shot considering age and time spent working.
Austin Butler may not have lost his Elvis accent, but he lost the Oscar to Brendan Fraser in 2023.
Colin Farrell. His expression in The Banshees of Inisherin says everything that needs saying. Fantastic sweater.
Studies show that loneliness, depression, stress and anxiety factor into low mortality. Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow got sick after winning her Oscar? She said it was too much. Maybe because she took out major contenders Cate Blanchett and Meryl Streep. Now she’s Goop.
Cate Blanchett lost to Paltrow. They co-starred in The Talented Mr. Ripley.
Sidney Poitier, Paul Newman and his widow Joanne Woodward provide an interesting comparison. The trio, who co-starred in Paris Blues (1961), had similar birth years, career spans and successes. Though reportedly living with Alzheimer’s, Woodward is the remaining survivor with one win (The Three Faces of Eve, 1958) and a slightly longer career than the guys. Newman holds the poorest ratio, lost to Poitier in 1962 and passed away from cancer in 2008. He was nearly 10 years younger at death than Poitier in 2022 and Woodward today. According to his memoir, Newman suffered from what may have been imposter syndrome.
They dynamic quatro in Paris Blues.
Poitier shared a ratio with Newman’s Hud co-star Patricia Neal, who passed away 12 years earlier. Poitier is the only one who did not have a wealthy background or higher education, but he reportedly passed away from heart failure, Alzheimer’s and cancer.
Speaking of Patricia Neal (remember her in Breakfast at Tiffany’s?)… she beat Shirley MacLaine in 1962, but died 14 years ago despite a mere 10-year age gap and a better ratio. MacLaine is still at it with a recent role in Only Murders in the Building (2022). Watch her in Irma la Douce (1963) if you get a chance. Regulation Hottie!
Before becoming grumpy for Steel Magnolias, Shirley MacLaine was hot stuff in Irma La Deuce. She lost an Oscar to Patricia Neal, but has outlived her by over a decade.
Patricia Neal in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. According to research, Neal could still be alive and living as fabulously as Mrs. Emily Eustace “2E” Failenson. She actually died at an average age.
“You like me... right now... you like me!”
Bottom Line
Social media has amplified the importance humans place on recognition. Unfortunately, public acceptance and glorification has devalued contentment.
To accurately examine if winning an Academy Award extends lifespan and improves quality of life, analysis of the mortality of Hollywood’s nerds can be revealing. Even writers like the Cohens and the Coppolas are celebrated. But what about the poor bastards in the Science and Technology category? The public knows Pixar (2000) and IMAX (1996). They know Frozen, Moana and Toy Story, but four-time Oscar winner Edwin Catmull is not a household name. He’s just the multi-millionaire scientist who co-founded Pixar.
As for the salaried employees… Imagine how depressing it must be to work on a high caliber film and never be recognized. At the Whole Foods checkout line, instead of asking for a selfie, they ask “did you bring a bag, ma’am?” The S&T’s take the Oprah approach where everyone is a winner… and you get one! The only people who get an actual golden statue are the recipients of The Award of Merit. The others get either a plaque or certificate. With this lackluster method, what kid dreams of becoming Jaden Oh who created Marvelous Designer for digital costumes?
Here’s wishing Williams, Robbie, Oh and Co. long healthy lives.
The 96th annual Academy Awards is scheduled for March 10, 2024.
Paltrow shed tears over her father’s cancer diagnosis. Something she did not reveal with words during her speech.
According to research, Michelle Williams is most likely making unhealthy choices in food and finance. Gorgeous pixie cut and Chanel.
*The current research did not include changes to diversity and inclusion initiatives by the Academy or movie studios. Data up to 2020 was considered.
